Get Fit Big Guy

One should never break a fast with donuts, beer and the near-food that is known to most as Taco Bell.

I have been eating well for the a quarter of a year now. I’ve eaten mostly salads, limited my intake of grains to the occasional brown rice and cut virtually all processed sugars out of my life. So, why in the name of all that is good and holy did I go and binge like an Amish Kid out on Rumspringa?

Saturday evening, I finished the days eating off with a small salad around 6:30 or so. I fasted on Sunday, but still took my supplements and drank a healthy bit of water. Monday morning arrived and I knew this final weigh-in would go my way. I would go to staff meeting, be done by around 9:30, weigh in and then celebrate with a nice lunch! Nothing crazy, but certainly not the same level of strictness I’d been giving myself.

It was not to be.

I walk into our conference center to the sound of “There are donuts in the kitchen…we’re celebrating…” I turn the corner to find two long rows of tables filled with every variety of Dunkin’ Donuts known to man.

“This is gonna be OK,” I tell myself. “You can do this…and after you weigh in, you can even HAVE one!” I was gonna be ok…I could make it through the staff meeting. I even snagged two on a plate and kept them close by so I was assured of my reward.

Then staff meeting turns into an open mic night.

An aside: I love my coworkers. I work with some of the best people on the planet.

Continuing…

I have never wanted to bludgeon someone with an aluminum baseball bat so badly in my life.

My stomach was roaring from its unfulfilled hunger, my head reeling from the lack of nutrients, and all I could think of was tackling the next person who got up to “share” and seeing to their demise.

I turned to get the attention of the curator of the weight loss event. “Nathan,” I mouthed, “can we go weigh in…in there…NOW!?!?!?” My request was met with funny looks and a polite negative gesture. Nathan used to be overweight. Apparently, he forgot what it’s like to be fat and hungry. “I’ll deal with you later,” I think to myself as I turn back around dejectedly.

Staff meeting finally ends and the weigh in begins. Currently, I am at 257 lbs. 11.7% of my bulk has been cast aside. I’ll need a new belt soon as I am out of holes on the current one. It’s a good feeling. One of the last good feelings I’ll have for the day.

I managed to sample 4 or 5 different varieties of donut while only eating the equivalent of 1.5-2 actual donuts. Not bad. Fortunately, lunch is only an hour or so away at this point.

The fish sandwich – not a bad choice. The garlic parmesan fries – not a great choice. Still not a deal breaker per se.

My “weight pimp,” Daniel, was unable to join us for lunch, but was kind enough to bring me a congratulatory cupcake from one of those boutiques on the square in downtown Franklin. Chocolate icing on a chocolate cupcake…with some chocolate chips thrown in for good measure. Tasty indeed.

I have some time to kill after work since no one will be home for a while, so I head over to a local sports bar and enjoy two pints of ale and get in some reading. A good time.

As I’m making my way home, I see Taco Bell in the distance.

I have had a love/hate relationship with the border for many years now. In my radio days, I would stop in and pick up their “10 Tacos to Go” special. By the end of my shift, I’d eaten them all. I imagine I can contribute all the fat in my thighs to my pseudo-Mexican mistress.

The desire for a Grilled Stuft Burrito took hold and would not let go. With unrelenting force, it ripped the steering wheel from my hands and headed straight for the drive thru. What could I do but obey?

I ordered far less than I would have 4 months ago. I kept it to two items: the Grilled Stuft Beef Burrito and a Cheesy Bean and Rice Burrito. The prices had gone up and my beloved Spicy Chicken Burrito was MIA, but I knew what I wanted and I wanted it bad. The same kids were still working the drive thru and hurried me on my way. I tore into the Cheesy Beans and Rice as I peeled out of the parking lot. It was all gone before I could make it home?

I think my pancreas, liver and stomach are all highly upset with me for the havoc wrought. Still not feeling quite right and my wife wants to order pizza. Fortunately, I think she’s ready to get on the good-eating bandwagon. I’ll let you know how our discussion of “the family diet” goes tonight.